The first (that I have seen) market research about the buying habits of bisexuals has been published in the USA. In the fine traditional comedic trope, I hereby present the next 12 months' bi news.
With polls still close in the Presidential election, and polling
showing bis split 12:1 in his favour, Barack Obama railroads the "Bis
Vote Twice" bill through Congress. The plan comes unstuck in November
when bisexuals with a preference are nonetheless allowed to vote both
November. Prof Debunked of the Dodgy Research University
publishes his latest findings about bisexuality. He explains that
subjects were shown gay and straight porn on different smartphones while
sensors attached to their genitalia recorded whether that type of phone
was doing it for them.
December. The New York Times retracts
its "iPhoneite, Androidite or lying" headline admitting the findings
related more to how attractive the research assistant looked in a white
January. Apple announce their response to the findings
that bisexuals are more likely to buy £100 android phones than
functionally-similar £400 iPhones. "Clearly the problem is in our
marketing feeling excluding to bi people," says a spokesPad, "and so we
will be updating our rainbow striped apple logo to include a pink stripe
next to the purple and blue ones." The new biPhone will cost just £75
extra, and is available in five shades of purple.
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne slaps 20% VAT on valentines cards
purchased by bisexuals, thus milking the Purple Pound for all it is
worth. "Woody Allen told me the bisexuals have twice the chance of a
date on Friday night, and that means they must be buying twice as many
valentines cards" he explains in an emergency budget statement.
by Apple's cornering of the bi market, Google releases a customised
version of its phone operating system called pandroid.
March. Not to be outdone by cheap pandroids,
Apple launch the new biPhone2, with an extra button that speed-dials the
complaints department at Stonewall. A new app for smartphones lets
biphobic people automatically block calls from biPhones.
After the quarterly economic figures reveal the valentines card ruse
failed to raise a single extra penny, on account of the bis all being
far too busy playing on their biPhones to remember to send one another
cards, George Osborne goes on television to admit he's not the real Chancellor, just
to be a schoolboy on a really long Jim'll Fix It.
takes Google to court over pandroid phones, claiming they are a blatant
rip-off of the biPhone. Google's lawyers defend the clear and vast
difference between the two: "it is not just another word for the same
thing. The pandroid phones are a touchscreen with a suffusion of purple,
whereas biPhones are a suffusion of purple with a touchscreen". The
judge listens carefully and throws the case out of court on the grounds
that everyone knows there is no such thing as a bisexual.
Concerned that it is missing out on the purple pound and that the bi-
and pan- prefixes have already been snapped up, Microsoft launches
Windows Mobile Omnishambles. Following the flop of a youtube 'viral' ad
campaign where Gerald Ratner observes "people ask me how Microsoft can
sell a phone this cheap, and I say: it's because it's total ...er, totally purple"
it is reviewed as both completely unusable and the best implementation
of Windows yet.
July. At a star-studded television awards
ceremony, the heads of Sky, BBC and Virgin make a joint statement on the
findings that 73% of bi women and 44% of bi men regularly see biphobia
in the mainstream media. They pledge to make the negative portrayal of
bi men that bit more obvious to help the boys catch up.
Despite the market research claims of a year earlier, sales figures of biPhone,
pandroid and omnishambles handsets reveal the purple pound to be as yet
a myth and the bisexual community resolves to go back to taking all research about
itself with a pinch of salt.
September. Market research work begins to find out what kind of salt bisexuals find most reassuring.